UNODC or UNO-Don’t-Care? A Case Study in Controlled Substances and Uncontrolled Chaos

In a committee ironically tasked with curbing the global trafficking of synthetic opioids, the biggest thing being trafficked was apathy closely followed by confusion.

UNODC’s session on synthetic opioid trafficking opened with what can only be described as a “verbal interpretive dance” by two senior volunteers from the delegation of Mixeco. Their statements, drenched in buzzwords and lacking in coherence, left the audience not just uninformed, but actively more confused than when they entered the room.

Meanwhile, several delegates notably embodied the spirit of invisible diplomacy. Neither participated, raised a point, nor even seemed to acknowledge that a crisis was underway. At one point, one of them may have blinked in agreement  but that remains unconfirmed.

Despite chairs literally begging for participation, the committee flatlined faster than an unregulated fentanyl overdose. Motions were rare. GLS slots were treated like biohazards. When the Delegate of  Japan  asked, “Should we establish global cooperation mechanisms?”, the silence that followed was so loud it could’ve been sanctioned by the DEA.

Signing Off, 

Tess Tickle,

The Onion