“Let’s Eat the Emus”: HPoA Declares War on Productivity

If the Historic Parliament of Australia had another name, it would definitely be Doing the Bare Minimum. As they gathered to tackle the Great Depression affecting their country’s economy, they promptly fell into one of their own.

Despite being tasked with managing a national economic crisis, most delegates delivered speeches that were either painfully short, totally unhelpful, or both. Delegate Alexander McLachlan took the floor only to accept an apology, then politely stepped back as if that was his entire economic recovery plan. Meanwhile, Ted Theodore made it crystal clear that he had no intention of participating, stating with groundbreaking honesty: “I don’t have anything to speak.”

But Theodore wasn’t done blessing the committee and the press with one-liners. When the emu-related crisis arose (yes, you read that right), his proposed solution was: “Why don’t we eat the emus?” A suggestion that raised eyebrows, lowered IQ points, and possibly violated at least three animal protection laws.

Informality was evident across the room. Delegates spoke like they were catching up over lunch, not deciding a nation’s fate. Most chose silence as their contribution, forcing the few brave souls who did speak to carry the full weight of the agenda.

One such warrior was Sir John Greig Latham, who could be seen (and definitely heard) shouting at the top of her voice, attempting to drag the committee back to some form of order. However, in an anticlimax, she only contributed to the chaos further by dropping a harsh word in her speech, an action that left her fellow delegates rolling on the floor.

By the end of the session, it became clear: Australia’s economic crisis wasn’t the only thing unresolved, so was this committee’s will to function. From awkward silences to emu-eating proposals, the HPoA may be studying the Great Depression, but it was delivering the complete opposite to the press.

Sally Monelly

The Onion