I C Chaos

Delegates of ICC, the global jurors, are constantly seen being spoon-fed information and decorum; rather ironic right? Delegate’s overenthusiasm, or should I call it lack of preparation, had them jumping into witness examinations at the very start of the committee sessions itself, without any deliberation from evidence or discussions among themselves. Luckily, the witnesses were saved from the monotony of generic questions by the chairs, with them rejecting all motions to present any witnesses. The inadequacy of the delegates was further established when the great Stephan Harbarth enquired about having to “say anything after evidence is presented”. No delegate, you can just bring a bucket of popcorn, enjoy the show and let the world crumble. Commentary is strictly optional when humanity’s fate lies in your very hand.

When a motion was finally passed to display evidence of a private video from Putin’s device, questions asked by delegates crossed all levels of absurdity. One such insanely intelligent question was from Viktor Shyshkin, asking for the source of the video, when the evidence is clearly written to be ‘Private Video from Putin’s Personal Device’. And this intelligent question was asked not once, not twice but THREE times. To portray his intelligence further, Viktor, in the room of ICC, asked whether the source was “credible”. If the delegates themselves do not believe in the reliability of evidence presented at the INTERNATIONAL CRISIS COURT, can we really rely on them to give justice? I guess not, or so our dear delegate warned us.

Taking leadership up a few posts, Vyacheslav Lebeder proudly raised a point of parliamentary inquiry, to announce ‘whether there were any motions on the floor’. I would suggest the chairs stay vigilant, our rising star might just attempt a full-blown coup and be the one banging the gavel by day 3.

It only gets better when Daphne Barak raises a point of ‘I do not know what it is, I did not read the ROP’,  to confirm the name of Putin’s daughter, whose speech was the evidence displayed. At this rate, who needs research or procedure? Just vibes, bold guesses, and spontaneous enlightenment.

They say when life gives you crimes, you solve it, but our beloved delegates are too busy decoding the committee itself. Whether the ICC will serve justice in the next three days is anyone’s guess. But one thing’s certain, The Onion will be here, faithfully chronicling the downfall of diplomacy, and helpfully updating you on when to pack your bags to leave for Mars.

Possibly the last time on a stable Earth, until next time this is your favourite press agency reporting from the very center of an epidemic,

Anini Zittu

The Onion