FUSS: Where Note-Passing is a Sport and the Agenda is Optional

In what can best be called a contemporary reimagination of high school homeroom with microphones, the FUSS committee has demonstrated that substantive debate is strictly voluntary if your note-passing game is up to snuff. While the General Speakers List (GSL) gathered untouched and unloved like a solitary dessert on a banquet, delegates on the other side of the hall found real passion not in policy-formulation, but in cross-talk, guffaws, and furiously scribbled notes.

Some committees solve world issues. FUSS delegates, however, seem determined to break the all-time record for Most Notes Sent in a Single Session™, a competition Senator Tery Aki has won hands down. Chairman representative of the Independents, an allegedly renowned group for their vocal resistance against partisan conformity, Senator Tery Aki did everything except speak. Instead, he devoted all political savvy to a note-writing extravaganza so vigorous that even volunteers started threatening to form a union.

Sadly, few of these communications proved of use in addressing any aspect of the committee's pressing agenda. Plenty, as it turned out, were actually filled with pickup lines directed towards delegates from wholly different committees, demonstrating that the reach of Senator Aki is endless and so is his irrelevance.

The record-breaking absence from participation in the GSL, coupled with constant off-point note-passing, has led to questions among witnesses: Is FUSS a real committee or merely an in-person live-action group chat with official placards? Reports have it that, at this rate, policy will not be passed but a few phone numbers might. Stay tuned for more news, unless a delegate actually plans on talking into the microphone rather than whispering across the aisle or flirting using paper.

Hugh Jass

CNN