HNCF: The Unserious Revolution

The unseriousness of this committee was seriously unbelievable. While delegates were contemplating the fate of King Louis XVI after their most recent crisis, evidence of the king conspiring with the Austrians, and some of our dear delegates had some very thought-provoking questions.

After the re-enactment of the scenario in the committee, where the king was bribing Austrians to murder French civilians, the floor was open to questions. “The delegates who he killed, are they actually dead?” asked Jacques Pierre Bristol, the leader of the Girondins, astonishing the chairs. Clearly the presence of those very alive delegates in the committee session wasn’t enough evidence. We sincerely hope this delegate will learn to differentiate between reenacted massacres and actual massacres with death and bloodshed.

Another Question, coming from Georges Danton: “In the actual scenario, the killers were brown?” Because yes, Austrians are indeed brown; we were all thinking the same thing. Brilliant observation, delegate.

At last, King Louis XVI was brought into the committee for questioning. Our beloved delegates, never failing to be facetious, even in the most serious of situations, raised an alarming number of questions about the king’s wife. Bertrand Barère was kind enough to make the generous offer of executing the king alongside his wife. Perhaps to offer him comfort in the final moments of his life? Guess we’ll never know. His exact words: “If we execute you with your wife, would you be okay with that?” Does this delegate truly believe the king, or anyone really, would be okay with anything of that sort?

However, none of those questions could compare to how inappropriate Jean-Baptiste Treilhard’s questions were. This delegate had a strange obsession with the king’s marital deeds with his wife. It’s obvious this delegate is more concerned for the king and queen’s private affairs than the death of French civilians.

Sadly the only delegate concerned about their agenda was Jean Paul Marat, pushing the execution of the king. This delegate was constantly screaming passionately about the king deserving the guillotine. Unfortunately our delegates were way too distracted with Jacques Nicolas Billaud-Varenne’s alluring dance, forced to perform in front of the whole committee just because he couldn’t stay off of Fortnite for long enough to discuss the fate of his country.

HNCF’s incompetence is so staggering, it’s a wonder they didn’t accidentally vote to guillotine the wrong king—or themselves, for that matter. The delegates of HNCF ought to get their act together before there’s no one left to save.

Misha C. Lani,

Xinhua News