LDP Solves Every Problem, Creates Three More

If there was one takeaway from today’s moderated caucus, it’s that the LDP firmly believes there is no problem too big to solve with a new committee, a new council, or, apparently, a nuclear strike. 

The session began on a surprisingly sensible note. Delegates proposed a unified national crisis structure, a nationwide emergency communication network, stronger cybersecurity, and a National Economic Resilience Plan. For a brief moment, the committee resembled an actual government. 

Then things escalated. 

The LDP proposed closer economic cooperation with Russia while simultaneously strengthening ties with the United States. If that wasn’t ambitious enough, one delegate passionately declared, “I say go to hell to everybody denying this,” before another suggested solving the Russian problem by dropping nuclear weapons… 

…and then blaming the United States because “the nukes will come from them anyway.” 

At this point, Asahi Shimbun would like to remind delegates that international diplomacy is, in fact, an option. 

By the end of the session, the committee had somehow managed to advocate for cooperation with Russia, partnership with the United States, nuclear retaliation against Russia, and pinning the blame on America’s arsenal, all within the span of a single caucus. 

Historians may one day struggle to explain this strategy. 

Fortunately for them, so are we. 

-Asahi Shimbun